Wheee!

This kid in Indonesia says it best.

Gayer than Gay Sex

Wow. This is uncomfortable for so many reasons.
- Seeing A-Rod smile is like catching your parents doing it. Creepy.
- I thought it was a commercial about losers so why is Phelps in it?
- This is the type of thing that even gay people say is waaaaaay tooooo gaaaaaay!

Yikes.

Starting to Feel Bad for McCain

This made me DIE laughing. (From Bill Maher's show)



DIE DIE DIE
"Oh Grandpa" is now my new catch-phrase!

But now after this today (fast forward to :50)



I once saw my Dad throw up. Watching that makes me feel the same. Sort of shock, some amusement and a potent sense of my own mortality.

20 Second Movie Review: Flash of Genius

The always delightful Dennis Hensley took me to a screener of "Flash of Genius."

"FOG" is the true story of inventor and bad husband and father, Robert Kearns, who sued the Ford Motor company for stealing his invention for the intermittent windshield wipe.

My 20 second review:

"Flash of Genius" more like "Piece of Crap." I was rooting for Ford.

You can not enjoy the trailer here:

Existential bulimia

I had an unfortunate incident with a donut today. Actually three donuts.

You see, my friend Danielle left a box of donuts at my house. And to be fair I went over 24 hours without shoving my face in them. I picked at them, like a lady.

This afternoon I discovered that the glazed ones were really soft and fresh (unlike the chocolate covered ones that I had been picking at). So in a fit of heat induced hysteria, I devoured the outer shell of three glazed donuts. Really fast.

I took the rest of the donuts and the donut guts and ran water over them then threw them away. I am a hot mess.

I was told I have existential bulimia. I agree.

Woops! Update!

I have been gone from the blog for too long! In my defense I had to relocate to LA for a job and that took up a lot of my time. Wah wah poor me.

Here are a couple of pix that sum up my new LA experience. (Taken with my new iPhone. Jealous? No...oh you have one. Nevermind.)

I got a job doing a voice a new "Nick at Nite" cartoon. The show is really funny and I think it is going to be pretty awesome. This is my fancy-schmancy parking spot!



Wheee! I have made it.

Oh wait a minute, not so fast.



This is a pic of my new place in West Hollywood. A homeless man stores his cart, and apparently his toilet, in the bushes in the front yard.

Troy was here!

This is us at the NYC Transit Museum. We had a little accident!

Dialogues with Women

My good friend John Flynn is in San Francisco this weekend and sent me this flier for a workshop that could only occur in San Francisco (or perhaps part of the Berkshires).

Dialogues with Women

Relationships
Do we need them?
What is their function?

I can't believe the event is FREE!

Bye Bye LA!

Last night as I was driving home I decided I needed an iced-coffee. I stopped at the McDonalds drive-thru to get one (guess what? not a quality product) and I saw this image

A dude in a wheelchair.

Can you do that?

Ali Lohan: MILF

Ali Lohan is Lindsay Lohan's little sister. She is the 14 year-old spawn of Parents-of-the-Year Dina and Michael Lohan. I recently saw a picture of Ali Lohan that made my head spin.

This is a picture of a 14 year-old girl. Lemme write it one more time: she is 14 years old. Not 34 or 44. 14. There is no doubt that she is a beautiful girl. Those Lohans have some good genes. (Unfortunately the same genes that provide shiny hair, adorable freckles and sparkling eyes tend to like cocaine and driving while drunk.)

I just can't get over the fact that this kid is 14. She looks like she's twice divorced with a step-daughter. She looks like she should be leading a "Parents without Partners" meeting. She has the same intense eyes as someone who has battled a diet pill addiction. But how!?! She is 14 years-old.

There is no doubt in my mind that Ali Lohan, age 14, is hotter than I am at my current adult age. I have a lot of hot friends that have kids and Ali Lohan is more of a MILF than they are. But for the sake of a fair comparison, this is a picture of me when I was 14.

Note the lack of make-up or hair extensions. Note the side-ponytail (I did it myself). Note the braces and the pixelated Scotty dog sweater.
I agree, this is a pretty dorky picture that screams "future comedian. But shouldn't 14 year-old girls look more dorky than hot? I know I am being old-lady-no-fun for saying that, but a 14 year-old girl looking that smoking just doesn't seem natural. But then again I may just be jealous because Ali Lohan is way hotter than I am.

***

Also, Phil Jackson is a douche bag baby. I just had to say that. I would love for Boston to beat LA in four games just to see that fat face cry.

That is all.

Wayne Newton Mouth

This week I am blogging over at Funny or Die. So I am going to be posting my FOD blogs here as well.
***

One of the things I have noticed since I have been in LA is an occurrence I am calling "Wayne Newton Mouth." Wayne Newton Mouth or WNM is when a person has plastic surgery on their face and end up with Wayne Newton's mouth. I noticed it on a woman at the gym, it was on the guy with the camouflage pants and "Just for Men" dyed hair biking at the Grove. I think everyone who gets plastic surgery gets the same mouth. Don't believe me? Let's take a peek.

This is Wayne Newton

Look at his mouth. I have seen clowns at children's parties with a less creepy mouth. (Obviously there is a lot wrong with the Wayne Newton photo: the make-up, the eyes so tight he looks like he's impersonating Renee Zellweger, the Mystic Tan, the old-man chest hair, but today we are focusing on just the mouth.)

Meg Ryan has Wayne Newton Mouth.

And she has some weird boobs. It is as if she asked for a mid-belly boob job. "I want HUGE boobs, hovering over my belly button."

Jocelyn Wildenstein has a horrifying example of WNM. Jesus, that woman is scarier than the "Hostel" movies.

How do you think me and my daughter look with Wayne Newton mouth?

Pretty hot.

LA Update: Colon Cleanse

While I am in LA, I am staying with my good friend Seth. He's hilarious and a great friend. But he's the kind of guy who's on MySpace, not Facebook. So he's got some problems.

Trying to be a good roomie, I did a little grocery shopping. I went to Trader Joe's which may possibly be the high-light of my trip. I am not saying that to dis LA. My experience at Trader Joe's was Zen-like. The one on 14th St in Manhattan is insane 24/7. I have only been once, on a Tuesday at 2pm, and the line was snaking to the door. Complete nightmare.

To tell the rest of the story there is not way around this fact: I like a lot of fiber in my diet. I take psyllium husk caps. They keep things moving if you know what I mean (poop).

I had to buy some in LA and I figured hippie-dippie Trader Joes would have them. They didn't have straight psyllium husk but they had something called "Colon Cleanse" and I figured that's close enough.

I come home later that night to find my "Colon Cleanse" defaced by Seth.

A note with a question mark. (Note the bottle of "Colon Cleanse" with a drawing of one's colon. And note the lovely LA light.)

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

This note has some problems.

The Highlighter. Seth couldn't grab a pen? People who write with highlighters are telling themselves "I am not worth it."

The Handwriting: I know the standard thing to say with creepy handwriting is "looks like a serial killer." But this really does look like a serial killer. I thought to prove the point I would show you an example of the Unabomber's handwriting.


I actually think the Unabomber's handwriting is neater that Seth's. Yikes.

In conclusion, yes I buy pills to help me digest my food but Seth is a green-highlighter Unabomber. Which would you rather be?

Showgirls in LA!

Please come to this very funny show!

Join Mr. "Joe Eszterhas" as he is interviewed by Glendale Community College's gender and film historian, Jackie Clarke. And, under the direction of John Flynn, (Cama-little, Almost Streisand: The Lanie Kazan Story) scenes from "Showgirls" will come alive onstage.

It's half staged reading, half "Inside the Actor's Studio," and half female empowerment, Eszterhas style.

SHOWGIRLS: THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE. EVER!
4 NIGHTS ONLY
Thurs. June 5th at 9:30pm | $5 - Special guest Rob Corddry
Thurs. June 12th at 9:30pm | $5
Friday June 20th at 8pm | $8
Friday June 27th at 8pm | $8

UCB Los Angeles
5919 Franklin Ave (btw Tamarind & North Bronson)
323-908-8702 | tickets here

Read Nomi Malone's blog here!

LA Update: Paper Wars

I have decided the writing in the LA Times isn't as good as the NY Times. But the LA Times is also less intimidating. It's like going to a state college versus a real school.

Some interesting LA stories:

Japanese Gang Members Get Liver Transplants
Yikes. I thought only alcoholic celebrities got preferential livers. Note to self: if I need an organ, get out of LA.


Smoking May be Banned in Apartments
I love civil liberties, but even I was secretly glad when Bloomberg banned smoking in bars in NYC. But this story reeks of CA Kookiness. No smoking in your own home. If people wanna ruin their lives, let them.

Dodgers Fan Shatters Jaw
This story is a doozy. A broken bat flew into a woman's face and shattered her jaw. At first glance, I have a hard time feeling bad for any person who can afford seats close enough to shatter a face. But then I read further and couldn't help feeling bad for this gal. She's a single Mom. The Dodgers won't pay anything.

Worst of all...she was hit in the face by a Colorado Rockie, Todd Helton. If I didn't already full-blown hate about 15 teams I would add the Rockies to the list (but I just don't have the energy).

The Rockies are a Christian team and they consider character when signing players. Blech. When the Red Sox were sweeping the Rockies in the World Series I would text my friend, Jess Allen, "Where is your God now, Rockies?" I can now add "shatter faces" to the list of Rockies offenses.

Day 1: Los Angeles

Today is my first day in Los Angeles. The delightful John Flynn and I are resurrecting that old chestnut, "SHOWGIRLS: The Best Movie Ever Made, Ever!" at the UCB Theatre in LA. So I will be here all of June. And before some trash-heap decides June is the perfect time to break into Jackie Clarke's vacant Crown Heights apartment, think again. I bought a pitbull and he's staying at my place.

Any trip to LA comes equipped with lots of free time, so this blog may get a little more attention than usual.

I took a late flight from Newark yesterday and my travels were not exactly smooth. My friend Matt (Big Eaters Club) offered (once I asked) to drive me to Newark. We have a history of patronizing Ikea for meatballs not for home goods. We also have a history of leaving talismans there. Last Christmas, we smuggled in a Jesus night-light and we left it in a fully furnished children's bedroom. Why? Got me.

A couple weeks ago Matt texted me and told me the talisman for this trip was a doozy. He was right! It was a thrift store Christmas angel that someone had spray-painted a turdy Hulk green. Matt added a few feet of ribbon and pasted homemade cut-out letters that read "Good Luck in Los Angeles, Jackie" with the middle ribbon reading, "Ikea." One can't forget to appease the gods.

Sadly, we never made it to Ikea. Matt's car sighed it's last sigh in Elizabeth, NJ. So I had to pay a taxi to drive me one mile to the airport. $25, thank you very much.

I flew Continental because I had a ton of random Continental miles to burn. I paid $30 for the flight and that was too much. Flying Continental is like traveling cross-country in a homeless shelter.

Things stayed interesting on the flight as there was a crazy person on the plane. I walked on and this old nut job was yelling about Los Angeles, "I love Los Angeles! I am going motherfucking home." Of course he was seated in front of me. I was starting to panic. Airlines are doing everything to save gas so this flight was scheduled at almost six hours. Luckily he was thrown off the flight and we took off...an hour late.

Now I'm in LA and I haven't gotten into a car accident yet. Yay!