Jackie Clarke Comedy Genius

Best (sort of creepy/stalkerish) email ever

Jackie Clarke — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 02:49:00 +0000

Sooooooooooooooooooooo....every so often I will get a deliciously bananas email to my website and I have one here that probably takes the cake for most 100% Grade A bananas thing I have ever read. This is what Gwen Stefani was thinking about when she wrote "Hollaback Girl." Here are some excerpts - Italics and comments are mine.

Hi! My name is paul, and I'm a fucked up manic depressive from DirtyJersey. I am out of work now currently on temporary disability. Which means I must search online for porn for a living for now!Anyhow, I honestly am a funny fucker, and I think I'd make a good side-kick should you ever get your own show. I am freeof time, bored, angry, and safely psychotic. Aside from the button boy, I think we'd get along well enough to get great ratings. If you wish to test me, justask me to come up with some current event topics/jokes, or any shit like that.

So far, pretty run-of-the-mill. I get a lot of people emailing me that think they would be great on the air. I am not sure if Paul from Dirty Jersey would be. But he has the random craziness of a true radio talent. I'd give him a tryout.

By the way, your voice is hot! I haven't seen but one grainy picture of you thus far. But shit, if the look is anywhere need (near) the voice, even if it took two cases and a toke, I'd still prob. be game! Hell, I'd prob. hit your MILF ass while you are having your V-8! You just sound like your dirty-ass would rock thunder in the bed! But anyway, I'd have to see your pics first, you could end up looking like one of Marge Simpsons' sisters w/ a voice like that! If it's due to just smoking, or being simply annoying and obnoxious, I'd still give you the benefit of the doubt. besides, a girl's mouth can never be too full of
shit right???

Ok. We have a lot to discuss here. What the fuck. Dirty Jersey Paul goes from hitting on me to thinking I may not be hot enough for him! Huzzah? How did that happen. He insults me 17 different ways in one paragraph. Then ends it with the charming "a girl's mouth can't be too full of shit." Just like Dad used to say.

I am seriously though, a safe "friendly "drunk" type Bipolar guy, so I can provide legit, witty, on the spot humour that makes your guys collaboration on JV & Elvis so great!

If you are trying to prove to me you are not a rapist then don't admit to being a regular JV AND ELVIS listener. That is like rape camp. (Just teasing! Love you guys...don't rape me.)

And I'm not kissing ass. (no ATM's here.)

Ok. That was funny.

The next 7 or so paragraphs of his email deal with a topic we covered on-air on the JV and Elvis show about the rights of suicidal people. So Dirty Jersey Paul goes on and on about that for quite a long time and ends with a graphic description of a man who shot himself in the head, shattered his cranium and lived. This guy is great at foreplay.

He sums his ideas on suicide up with:

Like someone on your show commented, those who think about it too far in advance, usually make half-ass attempts, w/no real intention on actually dying. Unfortunately, for many of them, it does happen anyway. Some people just can't seem to get anything right! Well, alas, such is shit huh?

Such IS shit. How comforting.

Sorry to have bored you, but back on my original topic, if you have any
sort of try-outs or whatever, please contact me! I have way too much time on my hands, and even on JV & Elvis' show, even a guest, I know I can cause a laugh. I am well-educated on a wide variety of topics, and am a funny, perverted minded, quick-witted Freudian, fucked-up mind. Much worse than even theirs! But, they are great also!

Seriously, please consider me as a chancer if you ever should need to. Or, if even they just need a temp. I guarantee you if given a chance, I can make a great addition to any show!

I'm starting to like Dirty Jersey Paul. Sure he makes little to no sense but he has made me laugh. But I don't think he is really qualified for a radio job.

And I'd be willing to work cheap! Not Illegal Mexican cheap, but close!

I was wrong. He is made for radio.

Congratulations, me!

Jackie Clarke — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 16:39:00 +0000

I am Time Magazine's Person of the Year!

Apparently it is my world. So why is it filled with dicks and jerks.
Well I don't mind I guess. I like awards. I haven't won one since I was named Massachusetts Young Woman of the Year!

Overheard on the B45 bus

Jackie Clarke — Sun, 30 Jul 2006 18:49:00 +0000

"Let the door slam in their motherfucking face...that's my motto."

Good motto!

Charming and creepy Myspace email

Jackie Clarke — Sun, 17 Sep 2006 23:45:00 +0000

I received this email message via my MYSPACE account.

What’s it like to have a big ole vagina?
Is it cool?
Like...what's it doing right now??

Hilarious.

Wuzzah? Huzzah?

Jackie Clarke — Mon, 14 Aug 2006 01:48:00 +0000

File under "things only a black man can say and still have it be a
charming compliment."

I'm buying a paper on Sunday when this black guy tells me "to move my
big ole ass or he's gonna charge me with sexual harassment." WHAT? I
know this was a compliment but "big ole ass." It took me a moment to
recover.

Then he noted that my flip-flops matched my shirt. He liked that. Then
he complimented my bag with the rainbow stripe by saying "I like that
rainbow...gay pride, right?" Now, I'm not gay. I'm gay friendly. But
I wanted to see where he was going with this so I told him I was gay.
"Hmmm your girlfriend is lucky...but I bet she don't eat it like I do."
He's now saying he's better at going down on me than my imaginary
girlfriend! And guess what? I'm still charmed by him. I am a trash
heap. No doubt.

Incidentally, I think I have to stop carrying the rainbow bag. This is
now the 2nd time someone has assumed I'm gay because of it. The first
time happened in the spring when a young girl crossing the street with
her mother, pointed at me and exclaimed, "LOOK MOMMY! SHE'S GAY!"

Sigh.

My sister is a goddamn riot

Jackie Clarke — Tue, 01 Aug 2006 21:07:00 +0000

My sister sent me this email earlier today. Ray is her boyfriend. Enjoy, I know I did.

"So I went golfing this past weekend and was ejected from the golf cart and was badly hurt. Ray will pay for this tragedy. My arm is all screwed up and pussing and gross. But I never lost my beer-flying thru the air, sliding down the fairway-I held that beer."

I see it as a story of inspiration. My sister, in a moment of panic of real danger knows what is important in life.

I asked my sister for permission to post her email and of course she said no. She is still mad that I posted the fact that she takes a poo sometimes with a cat sitting in her lap. But then she relented, probably knowing I would post it anyway. But she said she wanted me to know the whole story. Which follows:

"I had planned this golf outing for my company. Tee time was at 9:03. So of course we have to get up super early and I invited Ray cuz i was short a person. The night before the cat (the one you previously wrote about) got out again and was gone for like 9 hrs. so needless to say I had only slept for an hour and a half. So everyone meets at my house and we are already drinking at 8:00 am. (Except Ray) So we get there an everything is great. and we're at the 7th hole and Ray says, "Honey why don't you ride with me?" So I grab my beer and get in.

So he's driving and all is good and then he decides that he is gonna turn it up a notch and starts driving crazy and takes this SHARP right turn. I go FLYING out of the cart-beer and all- flying thru the air and slide down the fairway on my stomach. My left arm stretched out holding my beer, I finally stop sliding and I still had the beer. I stood up and the beer can was like...dented from me gripping it so tightly. The worst is that other people from the company saw this Blue thing (ME) flying thru the air and were dying laughing. Like I said earlier- my arm is awful and infected and pussing and throbbing."

Ray also puked on my sister a couple of years ago. He's a real catch.

Disgusting Hickey on the Q Train

Jackie Clarke — Mon, 28 Aug 2006 17:48:00 +0000

For reals. That is all it is. I am taking the photo with my crappy Sidekick 3 camera and I am sort of far away. And look at how gross and black that mark of young love is. Blech.

(I have no idea why I felt the need to bar his eyes...I don't know. It seemed somehow more ethical that way...)

An earnest plea for help!

Jackie Clarke — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 16:39:00 +0000

I really need YOUR HELP!

As many of you know I have been doing radio at 92.3 WFNY in NYC. After a series of test shows throughout the spring and summer, my current show DANNI AND JACKIE is being canceled.

I know this is queer but I LOVE DOING RADIO! And I wanna stay on the air. Where else can I do characters like Retarded Cokehead and the vaguely Eastern European Baseball Detective and talk about the new law that makes it harder to bring a Mail Order Bride to the US?!!

I wanna keep doing radio! But I really need your help.

- The fastest and best thing to do is send a note to CBS MANAGEMENT recommending they keep me on the air. You can email them at this website.

Thanks so so much!

xoxoxo

Jax (And feel free to PASS THIS ON!)

ADD Jackie Clarke

KEEP JACKIE ON FREE FM

Get an AWESOME NEW FRIEND and ADD JACKIE

Also emails need to be semi-eloquent. You can't just write FUCK FREE FM or I LOVE JACKIE. They need to address the show "Danni and Jackie" or me "Jackie Clarke" in some sort of relatively intelligent way :)

New Jersey Transit Update

Jackie Clarke — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 22:51:00 +0000

Hey Jersey,

Lay off the Axe body spray. Ugh.

Love,

Jackie

Post Mortem Radio

Jackie Clarke — Mon, 18 Dec 2006 18:09:00 +0000

Apparently I am on the radio this week.

JV and Elvis (9am - 1pm) are on "best of" this week and I made the cut on quite a few clips. So if you turn on the radio (92.3 FM) in NYC you may hear me. I will be at home working on other things but my radio alterego will be getting called a liberal fattie.

And to further the humilation of appearing in the "best of" on a station that fired me, I won't be getting paid for my efforts due AFTRA being the shittiest of unions!

Bah-Humbug.

Ray

Ali — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 22:48:00 +0000

I really tried to fight my urge to post on my sisters blog- I just had to when I read the previous...so this is my first and possibly last post- (I need to create my own so I can trash everyone I know- without them seeing it) Although you are all followers of the great Jackie posts, you may often wonder about....Ray (yes the one who barfed on me). Lemme give you a bit of back ground on Ray, he is in his 30's (upper that is) and origianlly from Rhode Island -which is comparable to New Jersey. He drives to Rhode Island on the weekends to get Hot Weiners (This is a type of hot dog), his haircut, oil changes, the every Friday night "With the boys" pub crawls with his middle aged friends. He knows every stat about every Red Sox player EVER- "Where were you you in the '75 game?" he'll ask me. He could tell you where he was for just about every game since he was 4. ugh it's annoying So.... the other night Ray and were watching T.V and he was flipping throught the guide to see whats on. He said "Ooh Professional Bull-Riding" I kinda looked at him funny and said "Ummmm okay" He said "sometimes when I come home on Friday nights (drunk) I either watch Professional Bull-Riding or The Lifetime Movie Network" Should I be worried? Nah it's Ray. I do however have to defend him with regards to the previous post. He/we may slightly be white trash- But I do have a sister (whom you may all know) who found a roll (don't know the correct term here) anyway- who found a roll on the street picked it up and smoked it EWWW (I just remembered it's called a joint!- geesh i'm slow) So that's my Ray in a nutshell- he's a real catch!

I'm a Catch!

Jackie Clarke — Tue, 18 Oct 2005 21:41:00 +0000

In a recent game of "Name Celebrities You Would Like to Fuck" I came up with the triumvirate of:

Mickey Rourke
Ray Liotta
Al Franken

I want to have sex with guys who will probably kill me or be my Dad. Whoa! Bring it to therapy, Clarke!

LA Humor

Jackie Clarke — Tue, 08 Nov 2005 08:43:00 +0000

I peeked at the reservation book at this Italian restaurant called Prizzi's near UCB LA. And I was BEYOND the valley of delighted to find a reservation for Seymoor Butts. Get it? See More Butts. I'd LOVE to see more butts. So adorable.

Thank you LA for being so cute!

My new tattoo

Jackie Clarke — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 23:42:00 +0000

I wish that was true.

Thanks to Jose Miguel Vllouta for alerting me to this picture's existence. I don't even care if it is photoshopped. It is genius.

Not a good idea

Jackie Clarke — Sun, 23 Oct 2005 21:23:00 +0000

If you have bad-belly from eating a pot cookie then splurging at McDonald's at 4 am, don't make instant miso soup and poach an egg in it.

It's disgusting.

BMW

Jackie Clarke — Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:55:00 +0000

Hambone, the homeless guy who lives on the stoop next door, told me that he was going to buy me a BMW.

Things are really looking up for me.

A 'fan' email

Jackie Clarke — Mon, 01 Aug 2005 22:56:00 +0000

The other day, I received this 'fan' email that I'll share. To paraphrase "Rushmore," with fans like these who needs fans.

I warn you. It's kind of disturbing. Maybe not so much disturbing as repetitive and weird. It's written by the kind of guy who gets turned on by women talking about bunions or ovarian cysts. Weird to the core. Those with delicate dispositions please don't read any further. Also if you're my brother. Geoff, skip this post. Everyone else enjoy. And I am using the word 'enjoy' to mean 'continue.'

"How's it going? I'm no one of consequence. I was just browsing on the web and came across a site of yours and was reading about the time you got kicked in the puss while doing the splits. Hehe, I mean, ouch!! Those kind've shots are always funny when you're not the one getting cuntbusted or ballbusted. Was that the only time it's ever happened to you? I saw a lady get punched in the puss today and she dropped to her knees instantly. I guess I didn't think it really hurt a girl all that much. I mean, I figured for girls it was like getting hit anywhere else. But, I guess not. So, what's it like for a girl to get punched in the puss? Is it different for all girls or will all girls pretty much drop to their knees every time from a punch like that? It was just a kid, but he nailed her right on the lips, very low low low low low. Maybe that's why it was so bad? Thank for your time.
Jack"

Is this wrong?

Jackie Clarke — Thu, 04 Aug 2005 15:37:00 +0000

I don't have kids. But I think it would be nice to have a child kidnapped. Because the thrill of the return must be so great.

Fire Island and Robyn Bird

Jackie Clarke — Wed, 03 Aug 2005 22:49:00 +0000

I spent a weekend in Fire Island courtesy of some good friends over at HX Magazine. And it was a blast. The train to Sayville proved exciting as I watched a drunk man ask two Asian people if they 'spoke Japanese' and 'knew Kung-Fu.' Me and the hot man in the cowboy hat shared a knowing smile over that one. I, like most straight women, are very comfortable flirting with gay men. No risk!

Fire Island brought fun and gorgeous weather and...Robyn Bird. It's true! I swam in the famed Robyn Bird's pool. And that's not even a euphemism for anything. It is a real pool with water and swimming things.

A bunch of us were walking on the beach when Peter (one of my hosts) decided to stop by Robyn's house. And like any good New York sex green should, she answered the door 100% buck naked. With her dog, Om, in her arms. It was official. I was in Fire Island.

Robyn and her partner/husband, Shelly, were more than gracious hosts. Offering us Coors Light and Vodka and Diet Cokes. Robyn was as comfortable as the day is long in her nudity. Me, I'm awkward in a bathing suit. Be she was a nude as nude gets. Like it doesn't get any nuder. Although at one point she checked the weather on the barometer on her watch. My friend, Trent, aptly observed that, "the woman is nude but is wearing a barometer." Well done, Mr. Straube.

Robyn delighted us with a story of her dog getting lost in the "Meat Rack" (a gay men cruising area). So a nude Robyn Bird was walking through the Meat Rack yelling, "Om! Come!"

I had the notion to wander through the Meat Rack and my friend, Cari told me I'd be the safest women in the world. I thought it would be funny to wander through yelling desperately, "Can someone fuck me?" Gay men are friendly, they would have obliged.

An effort to drive my sister MAD

Jackie Clarke — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 16:48:00 +0000

A few days ago my sister sent me an email asking for some Halloween costume ideas for her and her boyfriend Ray. She was a little snarky in the email - I forget what she said but she started off insulting me or something. And she also included the fact that Ray needed to be comfy in his costume. So I thought this was a great opportunity to make her nutty. So I provided her with the following list.

Oh I was also high as balls as I had just been fired from my latest radio gig.

***
Superman and Lois Lane
Hanz and Franz (I'm gonna PUMP you up)
George Bush and Saddam Hussein
Dad and Pura (my stepmother from hell who sued us)
The Clintons
Ghosts
Robbers
Woody and the cowgirl from New Toys (Toy Story 2)
Alligators
Fat people
Homeless people
McDonalds employees
Jews
Solid Gold dancers
Vampires
Donnie and Marie Osmond
Non-smokers
Corey Lidle and a plane (make sure Ray sees that one - Ray is a HUGE Red Sox fan)
Cats
Salt and Pepper
Salt and Pepa
Kiss
Dr. Phil and Oprah
The Honeymooners
Bonnie and Clyde
X-men
Sorority sisters
Babies

***

My sister was not amused!

I like gay people!

Jackie Clarke — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:36:00 +0000

I took an end of summer trip out to Fire Island last weekend. Some friends of mine have a house out there and invite us out a couple of times a season. Fire Island is a pretty gay place. Gay in the sense that it is fun and delightful and gay in the sense that there is a lot of gay sex going on. I learned my lesson early on in the Fire Island game. Enjoy the house, the beach, the pool and the liquor cabinet but leave the late night going out to the boys. Even though they ask you to come out - they don't want you there. They want to drink, dance and hook-up. Ladies have no part in this gay adventure. So I have taken to spending these nights in Fire Island high as a kite watching movies. It is sheer joy to be downing wine, smoking weed, watching "Moulin Rouge" while listening to the waves crash.

While I was watching Nicole Kidman sing and dance one of my friends was out looking for a little hoochie-coochie. One of the places on Fire Island that the men go to hook-up is called the "Meat Rack" and it is a series of dunes where men set out a blanket and then have a gentle lovemaking session. It is a pretty adorably straight-forward way of looking at sex. I wish straight people had something as simple, but alas all we have is rape. So my friend is drunk and in the Meat Rack looking for a meat rack and he takes a wrong step and tumbles down into a bramble bush. Ha ha. It is funny because he wasn't badly hurt. But seeing his scratched up face made me giggle. Can you imagine leaning in for a blowjob and then woopsie-poopsie - you are ass over tea-kettle into a bramble bush.

Gay people!

Christmas Lists - ho ho ho!

Jackie Clarke — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 01:16:00 +0000

My family is pretty low-key during Christmas. After years of getting shitty ill-fitting presents from our parents, my brother and sister and I have taken to writing out detailed lists of what we want. Every so often we successfully stray from lists (a Tivo for me, a Steve Grogan Patriots jersey for my brother, a photo calendar for my sister) but for the most part me are list people. You want a bathroom shelf from Target for Christmas, well guess what Santa has? A bathroom shelf from Target. And when in doubt, cash or a gift certificate is what Jesus would do. Everyone wins.

I ask my sister what her boyfriend, Ray would like and she emails me the following list. While you read the list keep in mind the following question: what is wrong with Ray?

- Skechers (he gets these EVERY year, I dont know how you wear through a pair of shoes in a year, especially in the suburbs)
- Plain white tee shirts from Old Navy (not v-neck) size XL- the ones I wear underneath my work shirts (wow way to dream big, Ray...although I should refrain from judging...my Christmas wishlist has printer ink on it...)
- Work shirts- size 17-17 1/2 / 34-35 for brands like Van Heusen; XL for brands like Polo (practical, good)
- Socks for work- black based with pretty patterns (once again a 'dream big' item. But notice his description of the socks "based with pretty patterns." I love that Ray turns into a dreamy Jane Austen when he talks about socks! "Please, mum, can I have some new socks based with pretty patterns like lilacs and horses? It is all I wish for before I die of consumption.")
- Smokes & beer (We travel from Jane Austen right into this white-trash century with this gem. "Smokes and beer" did I forget to mention that Ray is Judd Nelson's father from "The Breakfast Club.")

I like Ray and I would buy him smokes and beer if it weren't for my 8 year-old nephew. He already leaves beer and cookies for Santa instead of milk and cookies. I don't think this boy needs further corruption.

Me and the Christian Right, BFF

Jackie Clarke — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 00:37:00 +0000

How are me and the Christian right so on the same page? How cute!

My gay gay night

Jackie Clarke — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 20:30:00 +0000

This is a picture of my Saturday night. My friend Jeff had a sleepover birthday party. He made a cheeseball and a friend of his brought over fancy face products so we all did facials and moisturizing. We all wrote down questions on paper and put them in a bowl and we all had to answer them. We never got to my question "What is the smelliest sex you've ever had." My answer would have to be a college boyfriend whose balls always smelled like New York City in August.

As my friend, Julie said, "I had a cock in my ass while watching Liza with a Z and you still had a gayer night than I did."

Oh Screech!

Jackie Clarke — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 07:02:00 +0000

So we all know that Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) has a sex tape that you can buy. Several previews were leaked to the internet...I can't find any with sex but I did find this GEM on YouTube.

Please keep in mind that the man in this video is also the man in this picture.

Screech is involved in some sort of rape club where he and his "bros" have sex with ladies and they tally points per sexual acts. Acceptable if you play hockey and you are 16. If you're a former child actor (note I didn't write star) and are a struggling stand-up - you are a rapist.

On the video Screech brags about the following points:

- The fisheye. I literally didn't know what this meant - and I am a fucking dirtbag. So I looked it up on the interweb. According to http://www.encyclopedia-of-sex.com/ fisheye is "A slang term describing the situation when having intercourse with a woman from behind you start to put it in her ass, at which time she quickly snaps her head to the side and looks back at you with one eye (like a fish)." Oh, ok my joke about Screech being a rapist is now a fact. A fisheye is when you poke a girl in the rear WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE to elicit a STARE! Not only is it rapie, it is lame and stupid. Oh Screech. It is like the pull my finger trick only in a girl's butt.

- A Dirty Sanchez. We all know what this is. But I will defer to the Encyclopedia of Sex's definition for consistency. A Dirty Sanchez is "When the male partner sticks his finger in the female's ass and then wipes it across her upper lip, drawing a moustache." I didn't realize for the humiliation to be counted as a true Dirty Sanchez the moustache wearer had to be female. Consider me notified. (Also apparently none of the Dirty Sanchez's I have administered have counted...boo hoo.)

- This is the piece de resistance. Screech says "if you freeze frame on the BLUE JELLY DOUBLE DONG I believe there's POOP on the end of it." Ok. Let's just take a moment. All of us. I think it is a good time to recall that Screech the Poop Bragger is also the man in this picture.

Ok. The way Screech lingers on the word Poop truly fills my body with an untreatable cancer. He is vile. And the fact that he is unfuckably ugly does not help matters. Also I think when poop ends up on the end of a blue jelly double dong one should do the right thing and not mention it but discreetly take it to the bathroom to wash it as to not give anyone a bacteria infection. Safe sexual practices. Everyone wins!

- He refers to himself as the D-man. I think we all can agree it stands for Douchebag.

What an asshole.

Enjoy.